New book brings hope and teaches special parenting skills needed for dealing with sick children
"How's your diabetes doing, Mel?" And we remember her laughing reply, "Don't worry about it, Dad. It's all under control."
Then came the phone call. "Melinda was found dead in her apartment this morning."
Parents with healthy kids certainly have their work cut out for them, but the challenges they face might seem easy compared to parents who have to raise one or more children with special health problems.
Lisa Greene, a San Ramon, California mother of two children with cystic fibrosis, knows first hand that it takes special skills to deal with the most challenging of parenting circumstances, the care of children with chronic medical conditions.
Whether a child has significant weight problems, allergies, asthma, diabetes, cancer or any number of other serious medical issues, parents need to learn how to cope with the demanding health challenges, emotional roller coasters and the day to day realities in order to live hope-filled lives.
Mrs. Greene has teamed up with Foster W. Cline, M.D., well known child psychiatrist and co-founder, with Jim Fay, of the Love and Logic Institute. Together they have written an incredibly informative new book titled Parenting Children with Health Issues.
“Normal life and everyday parenting doesn’t prepare you for this situation,” Mrs. Greene said. “We pulled together many years of personal and clinical experience to identify the skills and knowledge necessary to help parents come up to their full potential especially when they are dealing with children with serious health disorders and illnesses.”
The book takes the powerful yet easy to use parenting techniques developed in Love and Logic and applies them to situations where children have special healthcare needs. The book offers up a veritable arsenal of tools to empower parents so that they know how to deal with difficult situations.
Often times, the most difficult challenges are all about communicating in trying circumstances where a frazzled parent might feel inclined to yell at a child. The authors seek to train parents how to remain cool calm and well behaved. Among the peace producing tactics they recommend:
1. Build character, creativity and high self-concept by guiding children to solve their own problems.
“Oh, I bet that was frustrating for you! What do you think you’ll do? How would that work out for you? Let me know how it goes.”
2. Ask children good questions rather than give orders, demands and solutions.
¨ How do you think this is likely to work out for you?
¨ Do you think it would be wise to handle your feelings differently?
¨ How might other kids handle this situation?
¨ Are you thinking that summer school is in your future?
¨ Do you think the way you are taking care of yourself will prolong (or shorten) your life?
3. Know the difference between “I can’t” and “I won’t” and how to respond accordingly.
If your child performs/ behaves better for others than for you then the “I can’t” may really be “I won’t.”
4. Share control by using choices, thinking words and enforceable statements.
¨ Choices work like magic: Would you rather ___ or ____? You can either ____ or _____. Feel free to ____or __.
¨ Thinking words are a way of providing options instead of just saying no. “No, you can’t watch TV until your medical treatment is done” will result in a fight. Instead try: “Feel free to watch TV just as soon as you complete your medical treatment.”
¨ Instead of telling children what they have to do (“Stop fussing and whining!”), parents tell them what they are willing to do (“I’ll listen as soon as your voice sounds calm like mine.”) That's enforceable!
5. Lead by example by taking good care of themselves and modeling the character traits they want their children to develop.
“Sweetheart, I don’t like the way you are talking to me right now. Feel free to be here with me as long as you treat me with respect.” This parent is taking good of herself by not allowing others to treat her badly and modeling respect to her child.
6. Allow experiences to teach rather than lecturing, threatening, warning, ranting, raving and rescuing.
Say: “Aww. You must really be bummed that your favorite baseball cap got lost at camp.” Instead of:
¨ “I’ll go call the camp director to find the cap.”
¨ “I’ll buy you a new one.”
¨ “You shouldn’t have taken your favorite cap to camp.”
7. Offer empathy and understanding rather than sympathy.
Empathy is the thoughtful understanding of another’s problems and feelings; sympathy takes them on as our own. Empathy can’t be manipulated; sympathy can.
Empathy: “I can appreciate how angry you feel about Mrs. Franklin’s expectations.”
Sympathy: “Mrs. Franklin makes me so mad when she expects your homework to be done while you are in the hospital.”
8. Show high, but reasonable, expectations of the child’s ability to cope with life’s problems.
When your children fall down, blow them a kiss and say, “Uh oh! Kaboomie!” rather than immediately rushing in with a band-aid and assuming they are hurt.
9. Use encouragement, not praise, when children make wise decisions.
When your child succeeds, say “Wow! How did you figure that out?” or “Wow! I bet you are proud of yourself” more frequently than “I am so proud of you.”
Parenting Children with Health Issues is chock full of stories and techniques specially designed and presented to make it easy for parents to find resources they might need to deal with a wide range of unique situations.
Media review copies and interviews with Lisa Greene and Foster Cline of Love and Logic available upon request. High resolution jpeg of book cover also available via email upon request.
Contact: Maggie Young at 800-338-4065 or
